Date Night
by KissingFire
Summary: Hair-pulling pixies, PDA and discussions of Clary's kinky stick: A.k.a, Jace and Clary's idea of a date...Crackfic/OOC/M for language and content. Oneshot.


**I'm so stupid. After I finished 'Staff Only' I'd planned on taking a HUGE break from FF. Seriously. I threw a freakin' party when I finished that story...Stress gone, Nirvana at last...**

**Then I write this, and I'm thigh high back in that shit now. :( **

**WARNING: This is an EXTREME crackfic, and Clary's obnoxious and stupid, even though I adore her. :( She's extremly OOC, and...Retarded? That's a nice way of saying it...**

**J~C**

**Clary**

You'd think that after _being attacked by a Ravener, _almost being murdered several times, and finding out your brother and father wanted to kill nearly everyone you loved, My mother, Jocelyn, would be more flexible on the topic of me living in the Institute.

Haha-_No. _

She thought the only reason I wanted to move in there was so that I can be closer to Jace. (Whom she thought was Satan out to make baby spawns with my stolen virtue.)

_Pfft. _He snuck into my room every night. Closeness _wasn't _the problem.

Partly. Considering Luke caught Jace the third night, and threatened to shoot him.

...After backhanding him across the room because he thought he was some nasty old pervert.

But I wanted to train. And be with Jace. And not around Luke and Mom while they made goo-goo eyes at eachother.

I sighed, glaring across the table at the red head woman. At least she got to have her fiancee living with her. Sharing a room with her. _Ew..._with her.

And yes, I just said 'Ew' instead of sex. I embrace my inner fifth grader in times of stress.

I sip my Pepsi, shooting anxious looks at the clock, which was moving too slowly.

Or Jace was moving too slowly to come over and pick me up for our date. Whichever works.

He was planning on taking me to National Park, something about seeing the faeries and pixies. I admire his bravery of willing to go see faeries, after _they locked us up. _But I guess it won't be a problem anymore, seeing as I can kiss him and we could leave.

...Unless the Queen chick has gotten even sicker before, and wants us to, you know...

...Put on a _show. _

I shudder at the thought. 'Cause if Jace is into that sorta stuff, I am _so _dumping him, no matter how hot he is.

...And he is really freakin' hot.

I lick my lips, thinking about my super hot boyfriend. It really is to bad Luke caught him in my room; I was almost ready to _take it to the next level._

If only Jace hadn't tripped over my window, knocked over my dresser, and caused me to scream when I saw him in the window.

Oh, well. I was partly to blame.

My damn camisole _is _very revealing, after all...

I huff and cross my arms, over my flat chest. I hate having a flat chest. Especially now that I hang out with Isabelle and Maia, who both secretly hate me, but want to get closer to Simon. They have _humongo _boobs. It makes me so jealous...

If Jace is late, I am going to be so pissed.

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...

There's a knock on the door, and I squeal and bounce up in my seat and clap my hands.

Yes! Jace is here...Now I have the real thing to look at rather than have imagine his sexy face. When I think for too long, my thinker box starts to hurt. (:()

I open the door, and he's standing there, looking all smexy and smothering. I swallow the second squeal that threatens to spill out, 'cause Isabelle said I sounded like a constipated dolphin when I did that. Apparently Jace liked killer whales. Who attacked dolphins. So dolphins were out of the conversation...

I listen to Isabelle when it comes to dating advice, 'cause she's, like, a freakin' sexpot when it comes to guys, and, you know, _gets around. _

Maia told me that if she wasn't competeing against her for Simon's attention, she'd totes be looking up to her.

Because she's like, a _sex goddess, _or something.

Jace smirks at me. "Hey, short-and-not-really-cute-girlfriend-that-I'm-really-dating-because-I-used-to-think-you-were-my-sister. I missed you."

I huff and roll my eyes; It is _so _his fault he got caught by my super-protective soon-to-be-stepdad.

I mean, I was just the innocent girlfriend, wearing the not-so-innocent-nightwear.

But, since he's a retired manwhore, and everything, you would _think _he's seen a super-slutty cami. Isabelle said it might be because he was surprised by the lack of rack I hold, but I know him better than that.

He cares about what's on the inside, not the outside.

**J~C**

**Jace**

_*scoffs*_

_Yeah, right._

**J~C**

**Clary**

"So, Jacey, do you for cereal want to take me to see the wannabe Tinkerbells?"

Jace sighed heavily, but didn't look at me. He was so hot when he was annoyed...That's one thing I liked about him being around Simon. Hotness all around!

"Yes, I told you that last night, before that crazy ass werewolf tried to kill me!"

_Le swoon. _Pissed off Jace was like...being around a naked Alex Pettyfer! _It's not cheating if you think it. Jace does it all the time about Lily Collins... _

I rolled my eyes at him. "Baby, Luke thought you were some pervert, sneaking into my bedroom to woo me into stealing my innocene and purity; I almost beat you with my kinky stick I keep in my closet, if it hadn't been for your graceful entrance."

Jace's eyes popped out. "You have a _kinky stick?" _

I guess kinky sticks make Jace horny, 'cause next thing I know, he's making out with me all hot and sexy-like, and I'm humping his leg like a dog in the heat. And then he's groping me and groaning, and he's sticking his tongue in my mouth, which would be gross, but Isabelle said that it was natural for guys to do that.

Anyhoo, after trading saliva-Which is like, so deep. We shared a part of us with eachother. We're like, totes bonded now.-Jace continued to drag me away to the park, popping boners at every hot chick we ran into, and snarling and groping at me whenever some hot guy looked at me.

Hiding public displays of affection is so _old school. _

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We sat under the stars, which were really helicopters and building lights, and watched faeries fly around.

It would've been boring, except for Jace kept throwing rocks at them, and cussing.

Jace cussing was so arousing.

...Oh, shit. I think I creamed myself...

"Take that, you mother fucker!" He screamed, throwing a fist-sized rock at one of the stupid faeries that had pulled my hair, causing it to crunch.

_Pringles..._

I giggled, and stared up at him, all moony-eyed and shit. Pringles...

"You're so strong, Jace," I cooed, stroking his _big _muscles, and squeezing his humongous biceps. "I wouldn't have been able to throw that rock. Or defend myself, at all. I'm really weak."

Isabelle said that damsels in distress were attractive to guys, except for Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But she got to screw with vampires, so she was safe from a lonely life a forty cats and smelling like sneeze.

Jace flexed his manly muscles. "Anytime, Babe," he said in a smoldering voice.

_Guh._

I was all snuggled up in his armpit, which smelled stinky and like B.O., but since it's supposed to be attractive and sexy, I loved it on him. Sweat was the new vanilla. (Take that, Isabellle!)

After watching one of their friends get crushed and squashed like a pancake, the other pixies stayed away from my hair, but attacked Jace's beautiful golden curls.

"Noooo!" I screamed, and tried to cover his golden head. _None of them ugly pixies were about to ruin my man's hair! It was my favorite part of him. Other than his...*whistle*, of course._

But t'was a lost cause, and the pixies bit my fingers, and began pulling Jace's hair, and knotting the curls into lumps.

_How dare they!_

I tackled Jace, ripping my hands through his hair, squeezing and pinching out all of those pesky faeries, and I think at one point I even ripped one's head off...O_o

Fuckers deserved it.

...Messin' with my Jace's hair...The _nerve... _

Jace stared at me, his eyes shining. "You saved me, Little Girl," he whispered.

I don't like it when he called me little girl. It made him sound like some sort of creepy pedophile, especially considering he groped me one time while saying it. Hellooo? Creepy much?

Maia told me to go with it, 'cause it might come in handy one day while were role-playing. I'm beginning to think she has a slight fetish for that sort of thing...I mean, Isabelle seems pretty normal, but I walked into her closet, and _wow. _I always knew she was freaky-scary with her badass whip and all, but I never knew she was into BDSM.

I can't wait till Simon sees her closet. Man, that chick is _hardcore. _

"I did save you. Now I crave nachos."

Jace wrinkled his nose. How adorable...

"You get onion breath when you eat nachos," he complained.

I stomped my foot. "I'm wearing the pants in this relationship," I said in a superior voice, like the one Isabelle uses on me, that makes me want to slap her. "I'm eating nachos, and you are kissing me, even with my nasty onion breath."

Jace pouted. "You're lucky Simon still secretly loves you, or I'd say screw it and leave."

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Jace tastes like onions when I kissed him over the candle. Which, by the way, caused me to burn my chin. Fuckin' _hurt. _

He was right. Onion breath sucks.

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He hailed a taxi, and made me walk. :( He didn't have enough money for the two of us, so I had to walk home, where Jace met me on the doorstep, and told me in a swoon-worthy voice that this was the seventy-eighth best date he's ever been on, and the ninty-fourth worst. I think the other seventy seven had been one night flings, but better seven eighth than seventy-ninth.

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Jace patted my head like I was a dog. I panted heavily while he did that, letting my tongue roll out, 'cause Isabelle said that guys liked it when you flashed your tongue at them.

He sucked my tongue for about seven minutes, before licking my ear and saying that it was my turn to sneak into his room at the Institute, because he chipped his pinky nail climbing up the side of Luke's house.

I sucked his pinky sympathetically, and told him I'd be there, sexy nightwear and all.

But if he was wearing a cami when I got there, I'd probably make as much noise as he did.

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**This was written purely for the hell of it.**

**Review...**


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